Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize