I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
