Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
