I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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