Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
