I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
