Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
