Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize