I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
