Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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