youre lurking in front of me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
