just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
