i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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