Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize