Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
