Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i came on her dog
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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