I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
