he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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