even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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