After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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