So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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