There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
