my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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