Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
