I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
