i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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