apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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