his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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