I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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