I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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