Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
