I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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