nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
