dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
