you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I love you. Go after that dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
