I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
