haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
