he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
