When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
