we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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