i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
