Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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