Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
