i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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