A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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