I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
