it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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