I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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