I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
