Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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