this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
