Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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