I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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