my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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