I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
as a side note pls kill me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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