nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
