Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
