i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize