I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
